The Most Manly way to show your Manhood

Miles From Nowhere

Without a doubt, growing a mustache is the most kick ass thing a man can do. It is easily the most masculine part of the male anatomy, and every guy with one is proves that they are more manly than those without one. I've tried like hell, but I can't grow one. You know what? I'm less of a man because of it.

There are a few different types of mustaches that can be worn, some being better than others; all being incredibly awesome- "Who wants a Mustache Ride!?"


*The Jeff Kent- Probably my favorite. I can only pray to some day have one as glorious as Mr. Kent. Neatly trimmed, but thick enough. Commonly known as The Porn 'Stache. Also seen on Lt. Dangle on Reno 911, every single redneck on Cops and the cops who chase them. Mack from Super Troopers has a superb Kent. He wears it in real life too.

*The Ron Jeremy/Stan Van Gundy- Until last year, this was exclusivly Mr. Jeremy's 'Stache, but Stan Van's was in full effect the past two years as an NBA head coach. The Ron J/StanVan is a little shaggy, probably because it's hard to trim it when your filming pornography/coaching Shaq all the time. Also seen on used car salesmen, lots of Canadiens.


*Saddam's- .....Oh man, enough said. The dude didn't give a baker's fuck what the world community thought about the way he ran his country, but he took care of that Cadillac of a nose warmer. It's a good one, I'll give him that. Also seen on Arcot Ramathorn from Super Troopers.

*The Jake Plummer- It is hard to achieve your own category after only wearing a mustache for a few weeks, but if anyone can do it, it's this sandbagging son of a bitch. It's somewhere in between the previous two categories. Extends further past the sides of the mouth than the Kent, and is a little thicker, but is neater than the RJ/SVG. Phenomenal. Really in a class of it's own, I can't stress it enough.


*Ron Artest- Otherwise known as the "black man" mustache. Very classy, neatly trimmed, not bushy whatsoever. Joe Horn, Byron Scott, and Marvin Harrison all sport this look. Artest simply carries it out the best. Very business.


If I had to rate my top three of All-Time, which is really tough, I'd have to give the third spot to Eric Wedge. It's a pretty good Saddam, nice and thick and well kept. He loses points for shaving it off recently though.
Number Two is definately Plummer's, and I really hope he brings it back soon. I do enjoy the beard, which is almost as gnarly as a mustache.
First place is Mack's "Jeff Kent Porn 'Stache". Tremendous effort, buddy. It's even better than the dude it's named after, which is hard to do.

I guess I better start working on mine again.